


i won't recite all my lines just to watch you and i lie

by kalangitan



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Fluff, M/M, i don't know if this counts as angst but we'll see, relationship burnout
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:33:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24108292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalangitan/pseuds/kalangitan
Summary: For the past three years, Koushi has celebrated his holidays with Daichi.Their fourth was something else.
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	i won't recite all my lines just to watch you and i lie

**Author's Note:**

> hiii this fic right here is based on niki's "[sugarplum elegy](https://open.spotify.com/track/6mng4eWKNqNtIqvBgm1LnR)."
> 
> maybe you can listen to it while reading? i don't know. you do you

It was Christmas Eve, and the wind outside was in negative degrees. Crisp white colors and festive lights covered the streets and sidewalks. Couples were walking arm-in-arm, enjoying each other's company. Cars were honking left and right, maybe speeding up to reach home immediately.

In one apartment, though, warm laughter enveloped this usual December cold. Daichi was snuggled cozily in Koushi's arms, full after eating dinner together.

"Thank you for this feast, love," Daichi said.

Koushi moved his right hand to cup Daichi's face, "Always for you, Dai... I'm sorry I haven't got any desserts," he ruffled Daichi's cropped hair.

Koushi knew how much Daichi loved desserts. He adored the sight of Daichi's smiling eyes while engulfing sugary treats. "Perhaps, a cake would be fitting for the occasion?" he thought.

"How about..." Koushi mumbled.

"Cake?" … "Cake!" Both of them said 'cake' at the same time.

"Jinx!" they announced.

"Double jinx!" the two laughed. This happens all the time, ever since they got together for three years. It just shows how often their minds think alike.

"Love, you know this won't end right?" Daichi winked at Koushi. The latter blushed and nodded in response, as he grabbed both of their coats.

"Let’s go down to the nearest store, then!" Koushi replied, almost jumping for joy.

And off they went to a rustic pastry shop three blocks away from their apartment building. Since they went there late into the night (it was already 11:30 in the evening), they only had few options left to choose from.

Feeling silly, Koushi let Daichi randomly choose anything he prefers from the shelf, as he knew more about sweets. It's not that he dislikes sweets---he likes consuming them too, it's just that he often wrecks pastries unintentionally. He knew himself that he was a bit on the clumsy side. He knew Dai knows about this also.

Daichi finally settled on a shortcake, topped with fragrant red and white strawberries arranged like a heart. It seemed too Valentine-y for Christmas, but _who cares_?

Daichi carried the box in his one hand, while holding Koushi's hand with the other. It was chilly, so they rushed back home, ~~running~~ walking swiftly so as not to ruin the cake they just bought.

They returned home safely with ten minutes left before Christmas. As they removed their shoes and their coats, they hurriedly plopped onto their couch. In a flash, only an empty cake board and two Merlot wine bottles are left on their coffee table.

The lights on the Christmas tree were the only lights illuminated in the living room. However, for Daichi, Koushi's hazel eyes and smile twinkled way brighter than any light could ever.

Koushi entwined his fingers with Daichi's and said, "Dai… Babe, thanks so much for coming tonight... Really, thank you so much." he sincerely said, breaking the comfortable silence.

"It’s already our third Christmas together, love... And you're still acting like everything's new to you?" Daichi teased and poked Koushi's sides. "...but don't fret, we will always have our Christmases together. So, yeah... It's a pleasure to be yours, love.”

"But what about next year? You'll have to move to Manhattan next May..."

"The higher-ups said that this hotel management training will only require seven months. My co-workers will have to stay for two years,” Daichi said, “I'll be back before you know it. We'll make things work out, I promise." Daichi then flashed a reassuring smile.

He motioned closer to hold Koushi's face, and then placed a stray strand of silver hair behind his left ear. He planted a soft kiss on Koushi's beauty mark (which he really finds perfect because of its placement).

"I love you, Koushi. Merry Christmas."

Koushi's face became strawberry pink in no time. He linked their foreheads together, and returned the favor. Their breaths were of bitter wine and sweet berries, and Koushi made sure to appreciate every flavor. He brushed his lips over Daichi's, and Daichi can't help but smile in between Koushi's kisses. The promise is sealed.

"I love you too, Daichi. Merry Christmas."

\----------

Periodic beeps of alarm filled the empty air of the apartment.

"It's the seventh time this month..." Koushi drowsed, "Hmm... I keep dreaming about last year..."

More alarm noises.

In his half-awake state, he got out of bed to rush and stop the alarm. Well, it was good thing he managed not to trip over, like how he usually does.

"So... today's finally the day," he muttered to himself, sighing over the view outside. It was almost 5 in the afternoon and the golden sun was sinking already. The whole apartment was then painted hues of purples, oranges and pinks because of the sunset.

A quarter after 5 pm, he left his apartment building. The ride headed for the airport had Koushi overwhelmed with plenty of emotions. He really has no words for this; his vocabulary is wide, and yet he cannot choose which words to use.

Stoplights turn into red, then green. Pedestrians cross, and minor accidents occur---very much systematic-chaotic in a way, similar to Koushi’s state of mind at the moment. He was scrambling over what happened in the span of seven months, while Daichi was ~~gone~~ in New York.

It was the first in three years that they would have to get separated for a long time. Koushi was really accustomed to their late Friday movie nights, and Saturday morning coffee dates. The affectionate touches that get lost in between those moments, the gentle encouragements, the way everything is perfect in its place---it was all too familiar.

And now they had to endure seven months without each other’s warmth. _This is difficult._ The difference in time zones made it worse. New York was thirteen hours away from Japan. _Way too challenging._

But no matter how unacquainted they are with the situation, they knew they should keep their best to make things work. They just had to. They promised.

And to make up with the promise, the first two months were merely about the couple adjusting to this new lifestyle. Tough, but they are trying.

Exhibit #1: Whenever Daichi would offer bacon and eggs, Koushi would always kindly decline. He would happily watch Daichi eat up his fill, while he tries to battle his own lethargy from work. After watching him fix himself in tuxedos, he finally sleeps with a smile on his face. _Stunning as always, babe._

Exhibit #2: Whenever Koushi would call during his afternoon breaks, Daichi would sometimes answer the call, and then goes back to sleep. Koushi is totally fine with seeing Daichi peacefully asleep. It provides him a sense of stability to go through the day. He would always end the call whispering ‘sweet dreams, my angel.’ _Your love shall see you later._

Exhibit #3: There were two days in a month where both of their free schedules match. As their time zones differed by half a day, they committed to spend the other half solely for each other. They would bicker and tell stories about their daily lives (Koushi actually writes a journal to keep track of what has happened during his days), while eating meals together. Sometimes they coordinate to what meals they will be having on those days so that it would feel like a date.

These were all what they can do to fill up the void of longing. These became their constants.

Days and months finely dragged on. Suddenly, Koushi’s days of yellow-greens have transformed into those of red-oranges.

He knew what to expect for the following days: heavier workload, drastic schedule alterations, and lengthy company meetings. Danger was very timely during autumn, but he stood his ground. He knew for himself that he had perfect solutions in handling such changes.

What he did not expect was the repercussions to their relationship. Since his working environment shifted tremendously, Koushi could not contact Daichi without difficulty, and vice versa.

Koushi was always swamped with more paper works, while Daichi was occupied with more guests to accommodate. Whenever they had free time, one was either unavailable at the moment, or was too exhausted to call.

At some point, the once-frequent calls downgraded into texts, and worse, they could only call each other for only few times a month. And whenever these rare times happen, more often than not, they would quarrel over how their timing sucks and some other trivial things. Shortly after, they would make up and promise to try to call sooner (which did not happen at all). Sometimes if they fought too hard, Daichi would even send Koushi gifts. _Anyways, this vicious cycle is what sucks_.

They were losing grasp of each other’s hands, and Koushi was petrified of this. He understood that they need space for individual growth, but this was just too much for him to take. Huge heaps of stress accumulated in their systems, not only because of their work, but also because of how fate messes them up like this.

In moments that he was alone, he craved nothing more but Daichi’s warmth. How his fingers would trace circles on Koushi’s chest, how his reliable hands would pat his soft silver hair, how his tan skin would shine against the morning sunbeams, how his scent would linger in the spans of his bed sheets, how his laughter would never fail to tug at his heartstrings---these were only a few to mention. Daichi’s existence was more than everything to Koushi’s. _What happened?_

But with the way things currently are, he doesn’t know what to think. He was just so exhausted, so shattered. He barely knows himself these days--- _Oh, neat, Dai’s calling._

“Kou, hey.” _Is this a dream or something?_

“Dai, what’s up?” Koushi responded reluctantly.

“I’m going home next week,” Daichi announced the news. “We can finally be together!”

 _Oh._ Koushi flinched at the word ‘home’.

“Kou…?” Daichi asked, “…are you okay? Don’t get too shocked. My flight’s gonna arrive at 5:50 pm.”

“I’ll fetch you, then,” Koushi replied.

“See you, Kou. I miss you.” _Likewise._

Before Daichi could even end the call, Koushi muttered something. “By the way—ah, never mind. See you, Dai.”

“Koushi? What did you just say?”

“Nothing... I said I miss you. I gotta go. Bye.” Koushi ended the call abruptly, without letting Daichi respond back.

\----------

Koushi arrived almost an hour late at the arrivals area. There he immediately distinguished the man with short cropped hair, tan skin, broad shoulders---the man whose name is the only synonym for ‘home’ (in Koushi’s thesaurus). _Dai’s finally here._

“Daichiii!” Koushi belted out as he ran towards Daichi. He wanted to bawl on the spot, if not only for the huge crowd that was there.

Daichi instinctively swiftly turned his head towards the direction of the voice. With flailing arms, they enveloped each other in a tight hug. _This scent, this tenderness. I almost forgot this sensation._

“I miss you.” … “I missed you.” They’ve done it again. Well, almost.

“Kou, I have to immediately report to the hotel,” Daichi mentioned as pulled back from the hug. “They’ve invited me to their Christmas party and have allowed me to stay in for a night… It seems like we can’t celebrate at your place this ye--”

“But…!” Koushi eyebrows wrinkled in disappointment. _But you promised me._

“Please, Kou… They notified me just now…” Daichi pleaded as they loaded his luggage into Koushi’s car. “If you want, we can celebrate it together in my room… I’ll ask them to let you in…”

Koushi opened his mouth, expecting for words to burst out. But there was none. He was just gaping into the chilly breeze.

With a defeated sigh, Koushi gave into Daichi’s appeals. “Okay, just let me know when I can pass by…”

“Thanks, Kou.” Daichi yawned as he quickly crept into a short nap.

It was a stifling journey for Koushi. He just had so much to say to Daichi---how much he missed him, how wretched his days were without him, how upset he is right now… _How could he actually sleep soundly now?_

Several twists and turns later, they have arrived at Daichi’s workplace, and Koushi, still upset, dropped him off.

“I’ll text you later, Kou,” Daichi waved goodbye as Koushi’s car sped off. _I’m tired, so tired._

\----------

To distract himself from his thoughts and to waste time also, Koushi steered around the neighborhood, trying to look for a café to rest in. After an hour or two on the road, an idea struck past his mind, as he drove past a patisserie.

_Right, I haven’t got any desserts for him. Maybe I’d settle here._

He entered the store, with hesitation ringing in his head. Because, cakes and him?

But as he entered, he eased up since the store felt warm and welcoming, even to the likes of him. They also had a huge display of varying cakes --- colorful ones, multi-layered ones, festive ones, and the list could go on if he were to enumerate each type.

"So which of these don't get destroyed easily?" he sighed as he looked into the wide array.

Although he took his time in deciding, he opted for petite, cream-based shortcake, designed with several fragrant strawberries, pretty much like that of last year’s. _Dai wouldn’t mind at all, right?_

"Uhh, Sir? Are you sure you want to settle with this already?" the cashier asked, "You see, we have a lot of options to offer and..."

"And...?" Koushi absentmindedly nodded. He couldn't take his eyes off his phone, waiting for Daichi’s message.

The cashier toned down the volume of their voice and said, "This cake is only perfect for one person. You don't seem to be the type to celebrate Christmas alone..." (They were gesturing for Koushi’s phone.)

"Oh no, no, it's perfect! I think..." Koushi comforted them with a smile, "That doesn't seem to get destroyed easily so I really chose that..." _Stop vomiting words, Kou._

The cashier packed the small pastry in a white box, and tied it with a Christmas-themed bow. Koushi, then, handed his payment and carefully cradled the box in his arms. An exchange of 'Merry Christmases' with the cashier was the last thing he did as he drove back to the hotel.

Koushi’s phone buzzed.

(9:37 pm) – Daichi: Kou, I'm in Room 1331. Drive safe. x

(9:38 pm) – Koushi: ok. i'm omw

\----------

The way back to the hotel was a lot faster than Koushi expected. _So this is it, huh?_ He went straight ahead towards the elevators, while cautiously carrying the white box.

For every step he takes closer to Daichi’s room, Koushi was falling deeper into a hurricane of pent-up emotions. Melancholy, excitement, exhaustion and yearning mainly constituted the storm.

“Room 1331” was labeled on the oak door that Koushi was facing. He knocked three times, his body restrained from holding the white box.

Daichi flung the door open upon hearing knocks at the door. He saw Koushi standing there, struggling with a white box. He offered Koushi to carry it for him, but he shook his head.

Daichi guided Koushi into the room, waiting for the latter to say something. Koushi placed his bag down, but did not bother to remove his padded coat.

“Kou, why don’t you remove your coat?”

“I won’t take too long. It’s fine,” Koushi replied, with a stuffy feeling in his chest. “You need to rest.”

Daichi accepted the white box, confused with Koushi’s response. “Are you okay? Kou, what happened?” Koushi recoiled at the word ‘okay’.

“Us. ‘Us’ happened, that is all...” _No, I’m not okay. We’re not okay. I need air. I---_

“What do you mean…? Kou, explain this… I’m so lost.” _So am I._

Koushi momentarily inhaled deeply, mustering all the courage he could to let the storm out. He felt his heavy heart gather all the stinging pain as he closed his eyes, taking his time before he could speak again.

“...W-we... We need to stop lying to ourselves… like this... We both know there’s something wrong. It’s not just 'me', Dai,” Koushi paused for air, almost choking with his words. “We’re falling apart, aren’t we?”

Daichi hung his head low, astounded at what Koushi said. Still, he listened and let him ramble on.

“How were you able to sleep deeply in your nights in New York, knowing that I’m waiting for your calls? Or did you even realize that at all?” Koushi’s hazel eyes were glassy. Daichi despised himself for seeing Koushi suffer.

“No matter how tired I was from work, I waited, Dai. I waited for you…” Koushi suddenly raised his tone. “But every time we would call, we just fought and fought! And you what? You would just send gifts in exchange of my forgiveness? Damn it, Dai! I don’t need flowers! All I’m simply asking for is your time!”

Daichi took a step closer to Koushi and held his hands. Usually, Koushi’s hands were warm, but tonight it was freezing.

“Kou, I tried so hard, too. I took extra shifts so that I could go home today! Please don’t discredit my efforts. This is all for us, Kou. And I really tried… I’m… I’m sorry.”

“I’m tired of this cycle, Dai. I really am.” Koushi stared at Daichi. His face was all scrunched up, perhaps of confusion.

“I’m already here. There’s no need for us to fight anymore,” Daichi’s voice hinted sadness. “That cycle will end here. You don’t have to worry, Kou. I’m here.”

Koushi cupped Daichi’s face. “I love you, but…”

Daichi felt a pang of sadness wash over his soul upon hearing the word ‘but’. _What’s with the sudden retraction?_

“I love you, but I need time to rethink things…”

“Kou, are you bre--” Before Daichi could even finish his sentence, Koushi suddenly leaned in for a kiss. He shouldn’t say anything more, or else he would crash down on the spot.

Koushi felt Daichi’s warm tears trickle down his cheek. The kiss allowed them to read through the anthology of hidden messages their hearts have written. The buried ‘I love you’s, ‘I missed you’s, ‘I wish you were here’s and ‘I’m sorry’s; the concealed frustration and weariness---they were all contained in the kiss.

After a while, Koushi pulled himself apart from Daichi. He headed towards the door. He didn’t want to look back at Daichi. His heart shreds into oblivion seeing him in that state. _I’ll just call you soon… maybe. I don't know._

“And since when were we in first-name basis?”

Koushi finally left. And Daichi just stood there, frozen.

\----------

It was Christmas Eve, and the wind outside was in negative degrees. Crisp white colors and festive lights covered the streets, sidewalks. Couples were walking arm-in-arm, enjoying each other's company. Cars were honking left and right, maybe speeding up to reach home immediately.

In one apartment, though, numbing silence exaggerated this usual December cold. The place was too empty. And Koushi just arrived.

He hung his head low, with tears finally falling out of his hazel eyes. He inhaled slowly, and then sighed with all heaviness.

“I’m so proud I got to love you once.”

**Author's Note:**

> hi??? thank you for reaching the end???? my brain's rotting abt daisuga fghdfgkjfg anw, just scream at me on [twt](https://twitter.com/cloudykita) and/or on [cc](https://curiouscat.me/kurooist)... or maybe we can be friends :<
> 
> ofc i'd prefer the latter :D


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